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Ass Crack Bandit

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GreendaleID
Faculty?
Blurry ACB
Ass Crack Bandit
aka "the bringer of change", "the filler of cracks"
Portrayed by: unknown
First appearance: "Basic Intergluteal Numismatics"
Home town: the space inbetween
Occupation: Quartermaster general
Department: Coin slot operation
Position: Right behind you
Barcode



Quote
Humans make better banks than piggies.
EndQuote
— Ass Crack Bandit

ACB poster
ACB wanted poster
The Ass Crack Bandit is the alias of an unidentified serial prankster on the Greendale campus. His nickname was given due to his odd Modus operandi. It involved stalking unsuspecting students and waiting for them to bend over. Once the valley of the derrière was exposed, the Bandit would deposit a quarter there which would sometimes roll down too far. The three campus newspapers, after a twelve hour session at Denny's, finally coined his moniker. He/she was seen wearing black gloves and a dark coat with a hoodie. Although a massive investigation was launched, the Bandit's true identity was never discovered and he, or she, remains at large.

HistoryEdit

The Ass Crack Bandit was first mentioned by Annie Edison in the study group's second year together at Greendale. She was running for student body president and claimed she would bring to justice the assailant known only as The "Ass Crack Bandit" ("Intro to Political Science"). Although she dropped out of the election, she never forgot about the Bandit who continued his campaign of terror. She created a special file on the Bandit collecting various news clippings of his crimes. A number of people were suspected of being the ACB including the notorious "Fountain Pooper" but they were eventually cleared. The Bandit continued his crimes , now known as "cracking", even brazenly slotting three students during a Greendale and City College baseball game. All the while, school administration officially denied his existence. This led Annie to believe that a cover up was taking place and the culprit might actually be a faculty member.


It wasn't until the study group's fifth year at school that Annie was given a chance to try and confirm her long held suspicions. After a year of no ACB incidents being reported, the Bandit struck again. This time his victim was Garrett Lambert who barged in on Shirley's Sandwiches' grand reopening ceremony to alert everyone to the ACB's return. An emergency meeting of the "Save Greendale Committee" was held to deal with the matter. Pelton showed them a letter sent to him by the Bandit which stated that more "cracklings" were going to occur. Professor Duncan was asked to join them as Dean Pelton hoped he could create a psychological profile on the Bandit. Feeling that her theory about a faculty member being the Bandit would be ignored, Annie asked Jeff to help carry out a separate secret investigation. He refused at first but changed his mind when Annie was kicked off the official investigation and he saw how much the cause meant to her.


Jeff determined that the culprit had to be a "Dave Mathews Band" fan as one letter the ACB sent contained many references to their songs. Searching Facebook, they came up with a short list of teachers who were fans. They eliminated all their suspects but caused major collateral damage during their investigation. Pelton punished them and told them to stop pursuing the case. It was then that the Ass Crack Bandit phoned Dean Pelton, mocking all their efforts to find him. After tracing the call to an extension at the campus stables, Jeff, Pelton and Annie rushed over there to catch the ACB. They were shocked to discover Alex "Star-Burns" Osbourne, whom they believed had died two years ago. Pelton had the formerly deceased student admit to being the Ass Crack Bandit in exchange for dropping the illegal meth lab charges Star-Burns faked his death to avoid. A large press conference was held to announce this but, while the rest of the attendees bought the lie, Jeff remained skeptical. Despite Annie's protest that he drop the matter, Jeff interrogated Star-Burns and discovered the deal he had made with Pelton.


Meanwhile, Annie started to believe that Ian Duncan was the actual perpetrator after learning he was a Dave Mathews Band fan and had a roll of quarters on his file cabinet. Duncan did not appear on the initial shortlist of "Dave" fans because he reveals he uses an older, British version of Facebook. She shared with Jeff her suspicions and found that he had discovered something significant as well. Inside a hallway closet, he found that the ACB's phone call was in fact a prerecorded message. It was on a laptop which was linked to a switch board that rerouted the call. When Annie tells Jeff about Duncan they rush off to apprehend him only to hear him get "cracked". The two see the real culprit rounding a hallway and give chase only to run into Shirley. When she informs them that Pierce Hawthorne just passed away, the pursuit is immediately forgotten. After Duncan, the "crackings" stopped and Star-Burns recanted his confession despite the school officially recognizing him as the culprit. No investigation on the Ass Crack Bandit is currently open ("Basic Intergluteal Numismatics").

The InvestigationEdit

SuspectsEdit


Chang
  • Why: He's psychotic and unpredictable. It's clear from his past that he is capable of this sort of activity. He misrepresented qualifications to become a teacher at Greendale ("English as a Second Language"), led a bizarre investigation into an imagined crime that resulted in a fire in the cafeteria ("Competitive Ecology"), kidnapped Dean Pelton and attempted to burn down the school ("First Chang Dynasty"), and faked amnesia for several months in order to take down Greendale from within ("Advanced Documentary Filmmaking").
  • Why not: Wasn't a faculty member at the time of the previous bandit activity ("Anthropology 101"). Was eating in the cafeteria when Garrett enters and announces the bandit's return.

Pierce

  • Why: Was banned from the Greendale campus ("Repilot") and this could be revenge. Has shown disregard for the well-being of others and a willingness to terrorize students and friends alike ("Advanced Dungeons & Dragons"). Not afraid to get his hands dirty. Once performed “complicated acts of psychological revenge” on other study group members ("Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking"). Publicly insulted Vicki until she dropped out of the student election because she wouldn't loan him a pencil ("Intro to Political Science"). Set Jeff up to get shot in paintball ("A Fistful of Paintballs"). Capable of faking his own death, which would throw investigators off his trail. His psychological profile showed very high potential for extreme antisocial behavior.
  • Why not: Currently assumed dead, though it is unclear how strongly his passing has been confirmed. Star-Burns was presumed dead but has returned and Evil Pierce also convincingly faked his own death ("Advanced Introduction to Finality"). Was in a wheelchair around the time of the previous bandit activity ("Aerodynamics of Gender"). Doesn't seem likely to hide his identity. His well-known ban from the Greendale campus would make it more difficult for him to disappear into a crowd. Probably lacks the physical fitness and agility to sneak up on people and escape. Lack of technical skills make it doubtful he could pull off the prerecorded phone call and fake the location.

Ian Duncan

  • Why: He's a Dave fan and faculty member. His absence from and return to Greendale coincides somewhat with the cessation and resumption of bandit activity. He had a roll of quarters in his office.
  • Why not: He was cracked during the “We Caught The Ass Crack Bandit Dance”. The prerecorded phone call lacked his British accent, though the voice was disguised.

Britta

  • Why: Accidentally typing "Britta" instead of "Bandit" when writing a psychology paper about the bandit could be a Freudian slip. Vividly imagined other study group members being gruesomely murdered ("Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps"). Her psychological profile showed high potential for extreme antisocial behavior.
  • Why not: It seems doubtful that she could pull it off. She'd probably just Britta it. Probably wouldn't target Troy, even though he broke up with her last year ("Basic Human Anatomy").

Abed

  • Why: Has the intelligence and knowledge to execute this behavior while remaining undetected. Has exhibited superior physical conditioning necessary to commit the crimes ("The Politics of Human Sexuality"). Although his psychological profile indicates low anti-social tendencies ("Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps") , he often role-plays and goes too far in whatever persona he is portraying ("Introduction to Finality"). He is also shown to be very practiced at handling a quarter ("Basic Intergluteal Numismatics").
  • Why not: Troy was cracked and it doesn't seem likely that Abed would target his best friend.

Shirley

  • Why: She has shown a willingness to take revenge on others, going so far as to cause damage to possessions and property ("Introduction to Statistics"). She was the only person seen walking in the dead end hallway into which Jeff and Annie chased the Bandit. She profited from the no-coin policy, probably by rounding up the prices at her sandwich store to the dollar and also sold ACB related T-shirts. Her psychological profile showed high potential for extreme antisocial behavior.
  • Why not: She was in the cafeteria running her store at the time of Garrett's cracking. Her usually kind disposition and Christian faith makes her an unlikely suspect for such premeditated misdeeds ("Contemporary American Poultry").
Professor Hickey, Cafeteria Worker, Rhonda, Other student/faculty member, Greendale citizen, Multiple bandits/different bandit, Character from Darkest Timeline
  • How accurate were Britta's psych profiles?
  • What about Britta?
  • Is this a Freudian slip?
  • Does Abed watch crime shows for more than personal enjoyment?
  • Is that a quarter...?
  • What wouldn't Shirley do to succeed this time?
  • What happened in Professor Hickey's past...
  • ...that still makes him smirk?
  • What's over there?
  • Is someone coming to get you?
  • Is Rhonda a little too good at "quarters"?
  • She'll never tell.
  • Maybe it's you...
  • ...or maybe it's you.

CluesEdit

Due to the locations and timing of previous attacks, Annie hypothesized that the bandit has access to the Faculty Lounge.

Both Britta and Professor Duncan attempted to shed some light on the Bandit's state of mind:

The nature of the Ass Crack Bandit's crimes would suggest that he's angry or just fell in love.Professor Duncan
We know that he hates money or loves it or doesn't care about money and hates butts or loves them.Britta

The bandit has provided several cryptic and possibly meaningless notes and messages. References to songs by Dave Matthews Band indicates the bandit may be a fan of the group.

Letter: "I am the Ass Crack Bandit. Humans make better banks than piggies. Whenever I get more change at the store I can't wait to drop it down your butts. I think I will go to the bank and get so much change and take all my dollars and make them into change and drop it all down there."

Note 1: "I hope you enjoyed my work again. You can't stop me because what are you going to do, not have butts?"

Note 2: "I am the mad hatter, if hats were butts. I am neither left nor right. I am the space between. To me you are all like ants marching to class, freaks on parade."

Phone call/recording (three parts):

  • "This is the Ass Crack Bandit. I find it funny that you ever thought you could catch me."
  • "I've enjoyed our game of cat and mouse. It's funny how close your two little helpers get to catching me. I liked watching them run in circles. Although sometimes I wonder, are they chasing me as an excuse to get near to each other? I mean, get a room already."
  • "I am the bringer of change. I am the filler of cracks."
Characters
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