|The Ass Crack Bandit is the alias of an unidentified serial prankster on the Greendale campus. His nickname was given due to his odd Modus operandi. It involved stalking unsuspecting students and waiting for them to bend over. Once the valley of the derrière was exposed, the Bandit would deposit a quarter there which would sometimes roll down too far. The three campus newspapers, after a twelve hour session at Denny's, finally coined his moniker. He/she was seen wearing black gloves and a dark coat with a hoodie. Although a massive investigation was launched, the Bandit's true identity was never discovered and he, or she, remains at large.|
The Ass Crack Bandit was first mentioned by Annie Edison in the study group's second year together at Greendale. She was running for student body president and claimed she would bring to justice the assailant known only as The "Ass Crack Bandit" ("Intro to Political Science"). Although she dropped out of the election, she never forgot about the Bandit who continued his campaign of terror. She created a special file on the Bandit collecting various news clippings of his crimes. A number of people were suspected of being the ACB including the notorious "Fountain Pooper" but they were eventually cleared. The Bandit continued his crimes , now known as "cracking", even brazenly slotting three students during a Greendale and City College baseball game. All the while, school administration officially denied his existence. This led Annie to believe that a cover up was taking place and the culprit might actually be a faculty member.
It wasn't until the study group's fifth year at school that Annie was given a chance to try and confirm her long held suspicions. After a year of no ACB incidents being reported, the Bandit struck again. This time his victim was Garrett Lambert who barged in on Shirley's Sandwiches' grand reopening ceremony to alert everyone to the ACB's return. An emergency meeting of the "Save Greendale Committee" was held to deal with the matter. Pelton showed them a letter sent to him by the Bandit which stated that more "cracklings" were going to occur. Professor Duncan was asked to join them as Dean Pelton hoped he could create a psychological profile on the Bandit. Feeling that her theory about a faculty member being the Bandit would be ignored, Annie asked Jeff to help carry out a separate secret investigation. He refused at first but changed his mind when Annie was kicked off the official investigation and he saw how much the cause meant to her.
Jeff determined that the culprit had to be a "Dave Mathews Band" fan as one letter the ACB sent contained many references to their songs. Searching Facebook, they came up with a short list of teachers who were fans. They eliminated all their suspects but caused major collateral damage during their investigation. Pelton punished them and told them to stop pursuing the case. It was then that the Ass Crack Bandit phoned Dean Pelton, mocking all their efforts to find him. After tracing the call to an extension at the campus stables, Jeff, Pelton and Annie rushed over there to catch the ACB. They were shocked to discover Alex "Star-Burns" Osbourne, whom they believed had died two years ago. Pelton had the formerly deceased student admit to being the Ass Crack Bandit in exchange for dropping the illegal meth lab charges Star-Burns faked his death to avoid. A large press conference was held to announce this but, while the rest of the attendees bought the lie, Jeff remained skeptical. Despite Annie's protest that he drop the matter, Jeff interrogated Star-Burns and discovered the deal he had made with Pelton.
Meanwhile, Annie started to believe that Ian Duncan was the actual perpetrator after learning he was a Dave Mathews Band fan and had a roll of quarters on his file cabinet. Duncan did not appear on the initial shortlist of "Dave" fans because he reveals he uses an older, British version of Facebook. She shared with Jeff her suspicions and found that he had discovered something significant as well. Inside a hallway closet, he found that the ACB's phone call was in fact a prerecorded message. It was on a laptop which was linked to a switch board that rerouted the call. When Annie tells Jeff about Duncan they rush off to apprehend him only to hear him get "cracked". The two see the real culprit rounding a hallway and give chase only to run into Shirley. When she informs them that Pierce Hawthorne just passed away, the pursuit is immediately forgotten. After Duncan, the "crackings" stopped and Star-Burns recanted his confession despite the school officially recognizing him as the culprit. No investigation on the Ass Crack Bandit is currently open ("Basic Intergluteal Numismatics").
Due to the locations and timing of previous attacks, Annie hypothesized that the bandit has access to the Faculty Lounge.
Both Britta and Professor Duncan attempted to shed some light on the Bandit's state of mind:
- “The nature of the Ass Crack Bandit's crimes would suggest that he's angry or just fell in love.”— Professor Duncan
- “We know that he hates money or loves it or doesn't care about money and hates butts or loves them.”— Britta
The bandit has provided several cryptic and possibly meaningless notes and messages. References to songs by Dave Matthews Band indicates the bandit may be a fan of the group.
Letter: "I am the Ass Crack Bandit. Humans make better banks than piggies. Whenever I get more change at the store I can't wait to drop it down your butts. I think I will go to the bank and get so much change and take all my dollars and make them into change and drop it all down there."
Note 1: "I hope you enjoyed my work again. You can't stop me because what are you going to do, not have butts?"
Note 2: "I am the mad hatter, if hats were butts. I am neither left nor right. I am the space between. To me you are all like ants marching to class, freaks on parade."
Phone call/recording (three parts):
- "This is the Ass Crack Bandit. I find it funny that you ever thought you could catch me."
- "I've enjoyed our game of cat and mouse. It's funny how close your two little helpers get to catching me. I liked watching them run in circles. Although sometimes I wonder, are they chasing me as an excuse to get near to each other? I mean, get a room already."
- "I am the bringer of change. I am the filler of cracks."